Alone
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Author: Dark Star Email:
eternity_ds@hotmail.com Summary: Close your
eyes… Website: White Carousel Disclaimer: Joss
Whedon is creator and owner of
all things Angel Rating: Adult Notes: This was written
for the anniversary of Angel's demise at the Angel Elders Mansion. Pairing: B/A Category: dark Distribution: Just ask,
please ** The cellar is cold and dank
and smells of human misery. The naked figure huddled against the wall wraps
his arms round his bloodied legs and rocks slowly. //I want my life to be
with you. I don't. You don't want to be
with me? I can't believe you're breaking up with me. // I'm sorry… He tightens his grip on
his knees, and the rocking motion becomes more pronounced as he huddles
against the wall for comfort. // Drink. Drink me. // He screams at her to get
away, and his hands thrash out in front of him. But he is alone in the damp
chamber; he whimpers as he remembers the thrill of feeding from her. He wants
to have her, and his hands move instinctively to his groin where he grips the
swollen flesh and jerks off hard at the memory of her sweet blood filling his
mouth. He cries as he comes, his disgust and guilt mixing with his desire,
and he is deeply ashamed. He can still taste her. //What do you want,
Angel? // He hums Mozart's Symphony 41 as he rocks; and he
screams as the hot pokers tear him up inside. // Is that it? Am I
done?/ He tries to stop Doyle
from jumping but he fails; he always fails, and he is forced to watch the
flesh being stripped from the Irishman's body, and he screams his anguish along with those of his
friend. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… //Wesley doesn't need
you right now. *We* don't need you. You walked away. Do us a
favour and just stay away. // // It's a lot colder in
here. // // And yet, somehow, I
just can't seem to care. // Sometimes when he wakes,
there is food waiting for him. He never sees who leaves it for him; he never
sees or hears anyone. He is tired of being alone; he badly wants to see
somebody, to touch them. It doesn't matter if they're human or demon, he just
doesn't like being alone. It reminds him of waking up in his coffin and not
understanding at first what was going on. Sometimes he feels pain.
He never sees who inflicts it on him, and in a crazy way he looks forward to
the pain, because then he isn't alone. Pain is infinitely preferable to
loneliness. He is always alone, and he wants to touch, be touched, to be
hurt, even. He doesn't deserve
love because he is a monster, and he believes it's right that he has to
suffer for all the things he's done. He waits for the pain to begin again. //It's Buffy…// This pain is too hard to
bear, and it breaks him, every single time. His despair is tangible, and he
weeps for all the chances missed, for the beautiful life snuffed out, and he
knows he's failed her. He let her die alone. //vampires can't have
children. // //The father will kill
the son. // His skin
bleeds; his heart bleeds. He howls openly now; the son he should never have
had is gone, lost to a hostile world and it's made worse because it's Wesley
that betrayed him and stole his child. He can't take this pain, not after
Buffy, and he distracts himself in the only way he can. His fingers rake
along his limbs, desperately tearing off strips of his own flesh in his
anguish to forget the torture in his head. He can't tell
anymore what is real and what is hallucination. He hates to sleep because
there is no rest to be found in slumber, and he is afraid of what awaits him
when he wakes up. Eventually
he opens his eyes; he's strapped down in a box at the bottom of the ocean.
He's frightened, cold and hungry. There's no escape from this horrible dark
tomb; it should be silent at this depth but somebody is screaming, and he's
so fucking hungry… Make it
stop, he begs. Please,
make it stop. ************ Sunnydale High Library. Buffy: What if... I told you that... I had a
dream about Angel... and, um... it brought up some questions? Giles: I'd say it was to be expected. Buffy: I dreamt that he came back. Is there
a chance even? Could it happen? Giles: Well, there's no record of anyone
returning from a demon dimension once the... gate was closed. I can't imagine
how it could happen or… why. ** //Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is. // Make it stop…
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